Happy Halloween + Horror Movie Survival Guide

Hello, lovelies! 

I'm back to wish everyone a happy Halloween! I hope everyone enjoys their last day of freedom before NaNo begins. I know I will. (By the way, if you want to become my NaNo buddy, click HERE and I'll love you forever.)

In the spirit of the holiday, I typed up a horror movie survival guide. Everyone I showed it to pestered me to share it here, so that's what I'm going to do. But I must warn you: There is some seriously harsh language. If you don't like that sort of stuff, feel free to skip this post.

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Survival Guide
Rules to Surviving a Horror Movie

Has a masked killer ever chased you through a graveyard in the dead of night? Is a sociopathic burn victim invading your dreams? Have you awakened one or more times to find a ghostly Japanese child looming in the corner of your bedroom? Has a machete-wielding maniac ever ruined what should've been a hormonally driven, weekend-long bangfest between you and your uncannily sexy friends?

If so, you're probably in a horror movie. But fear not! Just follow the simple rules found in this guide and you'll be sure to stumble to safety before the credits roll.

1.) Never, under any circumstances, investigate that noise!
Things that go bump in the night are fucking spooky. Which is exactly why you should never go "check it out!" Ignore it, tell yourself it was the wind, whatever--just DON'T investigate. Remember: Curiosity killed the dumb teenager.

2.) Basements and attics kill more unsuspecting teenagers a year than spoiled milk, escalators, and auto-erotic asphyxiation accidents combined.
Stay clear of all basements and attics. They are death traps. Dark and musty, usually lacking proper electricity, with plenty of old--and probably creepy as shit--family heirlooms that will make you shit yourself right before the actual killer slits yours throat from behind. Be mindful of: the area under the stairs, the rafters, all dark corners.

2b.) Running upstairs, AKA: The Fuckwit's Death.
When being chased through a dark house by a bloodthirsty lunatic, the worst thing you can do is go upstairs. Stairs only lead to the killer carving you up like a Christmas goose and fashioning your skin into coverings for his furniture, Ed Gein style.

2c.) The front door is a lie.
The front door always holds the promise of safety...the only problem? It's usually locked. And those precious seconds you're going to spend fumbling with the lock like a tweaking Michael J. Fox are all the killer needs to catch up and slit your throat from ear to ear.

3.) Have your keys at the ready!
You've been there--a shadowy killer is pursuing you through a dark alley. You finally reach your car. Panting, you dive into the front seat, but fumble with your keys and drop them, losing them in the darkness by your feet. Now you're going to die like the whimpering child you are. Keep a firm grip on your keys at all times. Tape the friggin' key-chain to your hand if you have to!

4.) Being in the dark (or even dim-light) is synonymous with 'instant death sentence.'
Going anywhere near the dark is just asking to have your head ripped off and your nostrils raped. It's just bad for business--granted you're in the business of "God help me! I don't want to die like this!" So, if you want to go on living, gather all the lamps in the house and hunker down until dawn.

4b.) If the flashlight goes out, you're screwed.
If you find yourself forced into a situation where you have to brave the darkness, keep a backup flashlight or extra batteries on you at all times! If you even suspect your flashlight is about to go out, break out the backup or change the battery immediately! And be quick about it! Every second you're without a light source is time the killer/ghost/demon/wereplatypus is using to close in on you!

5.) This is your brain, this is drugs, this is your decapitated head after you used those drugs. I can totally see your brain, by the way.
Engaging in the use of substances including, but not limited to: marijuana, hashish, mushrooms, cocaine, heroin, opium, meth, LSD or any other hallucinogen will probably get you gutted up the middle and left choking on your own blood. Hell--even alcohol will probably land you with a hatchet in your forehead. Or at least a butter knife in the eye.

6.) Sex is usually awesome...just not right now.
Yeah, yeah--I know. 'No sex?! This is bullshit!' you say. But hear me out. There's something about the mind of a horror movie monster/killer/CGI abomination that makes it get all worked up when it sees two (or more, if you're into that) young, attractive people boinking like bunnies. And, for reasons science can't explain, that makes them go all stabbity-rip-stab-stab. Usually on your faces and naughty parts. And no one wants that.

^{(*And yes, masturbation IS included. So, stop fapping so damn much.)}

7.) Dress appropriately!
Close-fitting jeans and shirts (preferably sleeveless) to avoid getting caught on any pesky twigs while you're running blindly through the forest from that disfigured cannibal. Hiking boots with the laces tucked in are probably the ideal footwear. Absolutely NO high-heels! You WILL trip and you WILL twist your ankle and you WILL die. If possible, cut your hair short. Nothing is worse than being this close to safety and having your sexylicious hair get caught on a branch and ruin everything.

8.) Don't trust the sexy stranger.
Strangers are bad news--especially if they also happen to be a friggin' sex bomb. It doesn't matter if they're the smoothest, most charming motherfucker you've ever met--if you've never met them and they make your no-no place tingle, it's highly likely they want to slice you open and eat your spleen.

9.) If there's no indoor bathroom, hold it!
Nothing will get you killed quicker and in a more degrading way than going outside after dark to take a piss. Unless you want to die with your dick in your hand, you'd best wait until morning...or use the kitchen sink.

10.) Doors that open by themselves, AKA: It's A Trap!
You know those box-and-string traps? Prop the box up with a stick, tie a string to the stick, put food under the box, and wait. Eventually, something will be stupid enough to check it out. Simple, right? But people aren't dumb enough to fall for that. Nooo, of course not. Actually. Yes. This is just like that, except instead of food, the bait isn't even anything tangible. It's pure curiosity that drives your stupid ass to see what's behind that door. And what's behind that door is actually a ghost that plans to feast on your fucking soul.

11.) Don't be an asshat.
The douchebag usually makes it pretty far, but they always get their comeuppance in the end. And, nine times out of ten, it's fucking gruesome. If you don't want to be to one who gets strung up by meat-hooks jammed into your eye sockets, you probably shouldn't be a little bitch about everything.

12.) Drive quickly, but safely!
Cars in horror movies will flip over if you sneeze on them, so even the slightest bump in the road will send you flying end over end. You'll probably survive the crash, but you won't be so lucky when the killer shows up to rip your jaw off.

13.) NEVER get out of the car.
You're driving on an old dirt road after dark. Your tire blows. You aren't getting a signal on your cell phone. You have no idea how far away civilization is. What do you do? Get out and find help? Well, sure--if you want to die like an idiot, go ahead and walk. But for all you sane people who don't want to end up as a skin-suit, lock the doors, huddle up in the backseat, and wait until morning. If anyone shows up and offers you a ride, DON'T take it. They'll skullfuck you to death.

13b.) The backseat will fuck you over.
If you're stupid enough to leave your vehicle, you're usually going to get chased back into said vehicle by a flesh-hungry ghost child. But the thing is, that ghost child is probably already lying in wait in your shadowy backseat. As soon as you breath that heavy, relieved sigh, it's going to lurch around and rip your lungs out.

14.) If an invisible force attacks you in the night, sell the fucking house.
Seriously--don't be an idiot. Even if it's the house you've been dreaming about all your life, pack your shit and hit the road. If you stay, you're just asking for it.

14b.) When the dog is barking at nothing, it isn't really "nothing."
Don't brush it off just because it's the dog. Fido is probably smarter than you are.

15.) Trust your gut!
If you have a sneaking feeling he might be a creeper, he probably is. Get out of there before he staples you to a chair and forces you to watch him dance naked to Goodbye Horses. Remember kids: If it seems sketchy, it probably is, and you will probably be skinned alive and left hanging over an open fire by your feet to cook slowly like gross teenager jerky (which tastes like angst and Mountain Dew, by the way).

15b.) Feel that tickle on the back of your neck? Don't ignore it!
Do you ever feel like someone is watching you? Someone probably is. And they probably want to crack your skull open and drink from it like a goddamn coconut.

16.) If you're by yourself, you're dead.
Traveling by yourself--or even just living alone--is a GREAT way to make sure you end up dead in a puddle of your own bloody entrails. Pairs are good, but groups of three or more are optimal. Otherwise, prepare to get really acquainted with the business end of that hammer.

16b.) The slowest kid gets screwed.
If you're "that slow kid," go ahead and write up a will now. 'Cause no one is coming back for your slow ass. If this is you, shoot your friend's kneecap off right now. Maybe you'll have a chance.

17.) Louver doors suck.
You know those decorative closet doors with the little slates that sit at an angle? Yeah--those are pretty. And great for peeping through to see where the killer is! Trouble is, the killer can probably see your dumbass as well. He might make a couple sweeps across the room, and you might think you're safe, but he will be back and he will tear your face off.

18.) RUN, BITCH, RUN!
Do you really think cowering in the corner like a snot-soaked pansy will make the killer take pity on you and go away? Because it won't. If anything, it makes him want to cut your spinal cord out even more. And it makes you look like a pussy.

19.) Breaking windows saves lives.
If you won't break your own window, even when a grisly hell-spawn is bearing down on you, then you deserve to die. You can get new windows at the hardware store--there's no replacing your esophagus once that monster has pulled it out through your mouth. Throw a lamp through that shit and get out of dodge while you still can!

20.) Sharp, pointy objects are your best friends.
Get as many as you can. Collect them. Hoard them. Because, when push comes to shove, they'll save your ass from becoming a frothy dumb teenager milkshake. Things that go boom (guns) are great, but bullets generally have no effect on horror movie menaces. To really get 'em, you've got to shank those bitches.


^{(**Results may vary**)}